Sympathy flowers: what to send, where to send it, and what to write on the card

The short version

Flowers for the service, such as a standing spray, wreath, cross or a large arrangement or basket, go to the funeral home or church and must arrive before the visitation or service begins. Flowers for the family, such as a smaller arrangement, a plant or a basket, go to their home and can arrive any time, including in the weeks after the funeral when the house has gone quiet. Before you order either, read the obituary for the family's wishes, and give your florist the full name of the person who died, the venue and the date and time of the service.

I have designed sympathy flowers at Willow Creek Florist in Dallas since 1988, and I know these calls are rarely easy. People are grieving themselves, or worried about doing the wrong thing for someone they care about. This guide answers the questions I hear most often, so you can send something fitting without second-guessing it.

Funeral home or family home: how to choose

Think about what the flowers are for. Flowers at the service honor the person who died and surround the family during the visitation and funeral. Flowers at the home comfort the people left behind, and they stay with the family after everyone has gone home.

Your relationship to the family usually decides it. Close relatives and friends often send a piece to the service and sometimes something to the home as well. Colleagues, neighbors and friends of a family member often send a modest arrangement or plant to the house. If you cannot attend the service, if it is private, or if you hear the news late, the home is almost always the right choice.

• To the funeral home or church: standing sprays, wreaths, crosses, large arrangements and baskets
• To the family's home: vase arrangements, plants, orchid planters and baskets
• If the service is private or already over: send to the home
• If you are unsure: call the funeral home and ask what the family has requested

The pieces you will hear about, explained

Funeral flowers come with their own vocabulary, and it helps to know what each term means before you call. These are the pieces I design most often for services and for families.

• Casket spray: the arrangement that rests on the casket, usually chosen by the immediate family
• Standing spray: a large arrangement on an easel, displayed near the casket or at the front of the room
• Wreath or cross: a traditional shape on a stand, often sent by extended family, close friends or a group
• Fireside basket: a low, generous arrangement in a basket, displayed on the floor or a stand
• Vase arrangement: suits a smaller display at the service or a table in the family's home
• Plant or orchid planter: a lasting gift for the home that the family can keep long after the service

Who usually sends which piece

There are no strict rules, but there are customs that help families feel the gesture was right. The immediate family typically arranges the casket piece, often in coordination with the funeral home. Extended family, close friends and organizations the person belonged to often send standing sprays, wreaths or crosses for the service.

Groups of coworkers, friends from a club or members of a congregation often pool together for one larger piece, which makes a stronger statement than several small ones and is easier for the family to manage. Neighbors, acquaintances and colleagues of a family member usually send something to the home, where a plant or a modest arrangement fits a quieter, more personal message.

If your gesture is larger than your relationship would suggest, that is rarely a problem. If it is smaller, that is never a problem. What families remember is that you thought of them.

Timing: when the flowers need to arrive

Flowers for a service should arrive before the visitation or the funeral begins, so they can be placed before the family and guests come in. When you order, give the florist the name of the funeral home or church, the date and time of the service and the full name of the person who died. With those details, we coordinate the delivery and timing directly with the funeral home or church, so the arrangement is in place when it should be.

Ask about a graveside service. If there is one, the funeral home may move certain pieces to the cemetery afterward, and it is worth knowing before you choose a size. If services are on a weekend or a holiday, order as early as you can, because funeral homes and florists are both busy then.

If you missed the service, you have not missed the moment. Flowers or a plant sent to the home a week or two later often mean even more, because they arrive when the casseroles have stopped and the quiet sets in.

Read the obituary before you order anything

Obituaries often tell you exactly what the family wants. If it says "in lieu of flowers" and names a charity, the kindest choice is to honor that request with a donation. You can still send a card, or a small plant to the home later if you know the family well. If the obituary says the service is private, send flowers to the home rather than the venue.

Some religious and cultural traditions do not include flowers at funerals, or prefer particular colors or kinds of tribute. If you are unsure, call the funeral home or ask someone close to the family. A respectful question beforehand is always better than a well-meant gift that feels out of place.

What to write on the card

The card does not need to be long. A short, sincere line in your own words is better than a paragraph, and the family will read it many times. Avoid phrases that try to explain the loss; simple sympathy is enough.

Sign it clearly, with your full name or the names of everyone in a group, so the family knows who sent it. If the flowers come from a company or an organization, include its name, and consider adding the name of the person who worked most closely with the family. These are a few lines people often use.

• With deepest sympathy
• Thinking of you and your family
• We will miss him dearly, followed by your names
• Holding you close in our thoughts
• In loving memory of a wonderful friend

Choosing flowers, colors and a gift that lasts

White and soft tones are traditional for sympathy and always appropriate. But color can also say something about the person: bright flowers for someone who loved their garden, a favorite flower, the colors of a team or a school. Tell your florist a little about the person, and the design can reflect them rather than looking like every other piece in the room.

Lilies are among the most familiar sympathy flowers, and they are beautiful at a service. Think twice before sending lilies to a home with a cat. The U.S. Food and Drug Administration warns that the entire lily plant is toxic to cats, including the stem, leaves, flowers, pollen and even the water in the vase, and that eating a small amount can cause kidney failure. A plant or an arrangement without lilies is a safer choice for a household with cats.

For a gift that lasts, a green plant or an orchid planter can stay with the family for months, and many people keep them as a living reminder.

When a business is sending sympathy

When a client, an employee or a colleague loses someone, a business often wants to respond properly and quickly. Decide who in the company will handle it, so the family does not receive three arrangements from one office or none at all. One thoughtful piece from the company, signed with its name and the names of the people who knew the family, is usually the right gesture.

Keep a short record of what was sent and when. It helps the next time, and it reminds you to follow up with a note in the weeks ahead. For a business, the guide on the mistakes people make when sending flowers is worth a read, because a wrong address or a missing card is harder to fix with sympathy flowers than with any other order. If you are comparing options or budgets, my guide to what drives the price of an arrangement explains why service pieces cost more than vase arrangements.

When you are ready to order

Tell me who has died, your relationship to the family, where and when the service is, and whether you would like the flowers at the service, at the home or both. Mention anything you know about the person and roughly what you would like to spend. I will suggest the piece that fits, design it, write the card the way you want it to read and coordinate the delivery with the funeral home, church or family.

If you are not sure whether to send flowers at all, call anyway. A florist who has done this work for a long time in Dallas knows the funeral homes and churches and can help you choose something appropriate. And if you are deciding between shops, my guide on how to tell a real local florist from an online middleman explains why local knowledge matters most with sympathy orders.

Questions people ask me